Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Reliving the glory days

My sister-in-law sent me an e-mail that talked about all the things girls do when we drink too much. It was pretty funny ... and sadly so true. It reminded me of my young and carefree days when I didn't have to worry about being a role model to my kids or a good wife to my husband, when a giant mortgage and the daily pressures of maintaining a home were in the distant future.

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. I've definitely said a few times in my life: "Where's my purse?" Although I quickly learned that all I needed was my ID, some cash, and a credit card for emergencies (like that last round of drinks) to put in my back pocket. The only issue was where to put my lipstick. Thankfully back in the day I used to wear baggy jeans, so lipstick fit comfortably in my front pocket. Not so much now with my slim-fitting bootcut jeans.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. I can proudly say that I've never danced with my hands above my head. Yes, I've raised my arms to cheer on my favorite cover band at the local bar, but I've never danced like Madonna in the Get into the Groove video. I've seen others do it, which probably seared my eyeballs enough to remember never to do it when I was drinking (or sober).

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. I've never been in a fight in my life. I've talked tough a few times, but that's about it. My favorite memory of an almost-all-out brawl didn't involve my belief that I could kick someon's ass, but my best friend's belief. She, like me, had never been in a fight, even though she grew up in the Bronx. I don't know what that means, but I always think of people from the Bronx as being tough. On the night in question, we had been invited to a party. My on-again-off-again boyfriend at the time, D, had invited us as his way of trying to get back together. When we arrived, I saw a girl that he worked with. She took one look at me and headed toward the back of the house. When I got back there, I saw her arm around D, and lipstick on his cheek. He insisted it was nothing, and after a brief discussion, I let it go and started to enjoy myself. Late into the night, I couldn't find D. I remembered seeing the girl walking out the front door several minutes before that, so I decided to go out front to check things out. I saw the girl and her friend, and D and his friend hanging out by her car, illuminated by the streetlight above. I saw her lean in and kiss D. I stormed inside, grabbed my keys and told my friend we were leaving. But I couldn't just leave it at that. I marched over to their cozy little group and started yelling at D. I don't even remember the words now, but I do remember her saying something to the effect of "why would he want you when he could have this?" bringing her arm down across her body like one of Barker's Beauties with a fabulous new car on the Price is Right . In the background, I heard the words, "I want to hit her. I want to hit her." I look over and see my best friend in the whole world talking to the people at the party. The girl looked over at her and said, "Excuse me?!" My friend replied, "YOU ... I WANT ... TO. HIT ... YOU!" They proceeded to circle each other like a pack of wolves (well, I guess just two wolves), with me in the middle. I managed to stop the fight, and my friend and I left, laughing in the car about what would have happened had the girl actually thrown a punch. Good times.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. I've definitely seen my share of bloodshot glassy eyes in the mirro. That usually when I know it's time to go home.

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. I've definitely had some emotional times. The ones where you tell your friends how much they mean to you. It's kind of like the old standby of sitting around in the wee hours of the morning talking about how we'll all pitch in and buy a bar so we can stay together forever! On the flip side, the first time I got drunk it was with my best friend in high school. Rather than telling each other how much we loved each other, we cried and said how sorry we were that we got drunk.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" There's something about a few drinks that makes every song the best song ever. Until the next one comes on, and that becomes the best song ever. I guess that's why karaoke is such a big hit in bars. Karaoke is another thing I miss. I was the karaoke queen in my day. Not that I was the best singer, but that I just loved being on stage. Although, I had too time it just right. A few too many drinks and I went rapidly downhill in my performance ability.

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. This is the worst. The moment when you realize that you've just made out with someone who should only have remained your good male friend, or worse, some guy that you would never have given the time of day in real life. What is it about having a few drinks that makes us so desperate for affection and attention?

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. Since I was a smoker anyway, I was already good at it. But I can remember countless times of trying to stop, and then bumming "just one cigarette" from every single person in the bar. Although, now that I don't smoke, I do find myself taking up the habit again on our trips to Vegas or when I visit Florida. Just being back in my element brings out all those bad habits.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. Since I typically drink beer, this doesn't apply either. Although, I did get mad at a bartender because he tried to cut me off after one beer. I was having a great time with my now husband. We were being goofy as we usually do, chatting with the people at the bar, joking around. The guy thought I was drunk and refused to serve me. I was like, "you obviously don't know me. I usually drink waaaay more than this." We had to call another bartender over who could vouch for me. Bastard.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) I don't think I've ever slept on the kitchen floor. Couches, living room floors, strange people's beds (just kidding) but never kitchens (or bathrooms for that matter).

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. I don't know that I've ever done this. Although I've known people who tried to pee in the trashcan, the dishwasher, and some stranger's dorm room floor in college. I've also heard about a guy who peed on his friend's television.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. I never had this excuse because I rarely wore high heels. Now I wear them to work and nice occasions, but I'm all about comfort when I'm hanging out. Nevertheless, I've had my share of falls and spills. The worst two occurred within a few days of each other. I was walking home with D, and I tripped on the sidewalk and started to fall down. In his drunken state he tried to catch me, but instead only succeeded in twisting me around and then dropping me so I fell on the back of my head. I had a huge lump about the size of a golf ball, and a pretty bad cut. Being a poor college student, I didn't have insurance so I never got an MRI. I probably should have because I always fear that I did some internal damage (even now, there's a small round bald spot on the back of my head where hair doesn't grow). A few days later, we were walking home from the same bar (you'd think I would have learned, wouldn't you?). A friend of mine who drove a motorcycle jokingly asked whether I needed his helmet for the ride home. "yeah, yeah, yeah," I sarcastically said as I ran down a small hill that ran from the parking lot of the bar to the sidewalk below. I tripped on the edge of the sidewalk and fell splat on the ground. I had HUGE scabs and lumps on both of my knees.

Man, thinking about those times makes me realize that I drank way too much back the (well I already knew that, but this just reminded me again). That I was probably more out of control than I'd like to admit. That I'm a much better person now. Maybe a little more boring than I was back then, but at least I don't look like a homeless hooker anymore.


At 6:54 AM, Blogger lainey said...

The worst, for me, was waking up the next day with the sinking feeling that you have done or said something REALLY embarrassing, but you can't figure out exactly what you did or who you should be apologizing to.

At 7:02 AM, Blogger Amy said...

I used to think that I really missed out on a lot by not drinking when I was younger and not hanging out at the bars and such with friends. Now I'm thinking that it might have been a good thing after all!! Glad you had some fun memories in there!

At 9:02 AM, Blogger undercover celebrity said...

I am cracking up right now -- not a safe thing whilst drinking hot coffee. :)...Mostly at the mental image of you looking something like a 1990s hip-hop dressing, bar hopping drunkard. Baggy jeans???!!! -- I'm so glad you've come to the other side. :)

I think you've inspired me to write about my near fights... stay tuned. :)

At 10:24 AM, Anonymous M said...

is this the blog i am suppose to make a comment on...i can honestly say i don't think i have anything too embarassing to share. however, some of my favorite memories come from that time. still miss the hot saturday afternoons sitting around the apartment pool drinking some beers and then heading over to the bar that night. however, i really don't miss the karaoke (still have nightmares about it)....i wouldn't say they were baggy jeans but didn't D use to wear your jeans from time to time. not sure i can picture the slim fitting boot there anything else i can mention? oh yeah, your favorite cover band...did a search and found ..the memories

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Newlywife said...

Oh my GOD...I am totally the girl who dances with her arms above her head. I had no idea...until the wedding pictures came back and every picture of me dancing I looked like Lucy from the peanuts dancing.

I am so shamed.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Carolyn said...

Lainey, I've been there so many times. It's a horrible feeling isn't it?

Amy, at least you never had to worry about those morning-after regrets! :)

UC, It wasn't so much hip-hop as just baggy. Although, I did wear steel-toed shoes. Boy, I have come a long way haven't I?

M, Thanks for not saying anything too embarrasing. You're the only one who knew me back then.

NewlyWifed, don't be ashamed. Now you know! :) I still love you.

At 4:38 PM, Blogger rebcram said...

Uh-oh, I identified with a few too many of these items! :) But from a past life, of course.

At 6:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed my senior prom, too.

From the guy's perspective, as we drink throughout an evening of partying, we:
• Get smarter AND funnier.
• Get better-looking, until that final pee (which is usually in the bushes)
• Can burp the alphabet better than any other time in our lives
• Eat things we would never normally eat
• Think every female in the room is very hot and wants us so bad.

– Texas T-bone

At 9:49 PM, Blogger McSwain said...

This is SO funny, and so very true.


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