Thursday, June 09, 2005

My Apologies

To my husband: I'm sorry that I make you feel that I don't want to be around you. I'm sorry that you feel that I don't think you're funny anymore. I'm sorry that you don't think I'm fun anymore. I'm sorry that you have a wife who doesn't make you happy. I'm sorry that you have no idea how much I love you.

To my daughter: I'm sorry that I yell when I should be hugging you. I'm sorry that I don't take the time to color with you because I have to do laundry or clean the kitchen. I'm sorry that I make you cry because I'm impatient. I'm sorry that I get frustrated. I'm sorry that you don't have the perfect mommy you deserve. I'm sorry that you have no idea how much I love you.

To my son: I'm sorry that you have to hear me yell at your sister, or get frustrated with your dad. I'm sorry that you have a mom who seems to cry more than she laughs. I'm sorry that I don't get to spend as much time with you as I should. I'm sorry that you have no idea how much I love you.

I'm just so very sorry.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Baby makes three?

My mother-in-law has been dreaming about babies. She’s the type of person that has that extra something that allows her to sense when something happens to her family. Every time she has these baby dreams, someone in her family – her sister-in-law, her daughter, me – either is pregnant or gets pregnant.

My sister-in-law told me yesterday about the dreams. “We think she’s dreaming about you,” she said nonchalantly. Me? Oh, no, I don’t think so. I asked why she thought it would be me, and she said she just had a feeling.

I think I’ve mentioned in the past that I had visited a psychic at the county fair for three years in a row, who was amazingly accurate about the events in my life. The one thing she also mentioned in each of those three years was that she saw three children, a girl and two boys, in my life.

I figured that was the one thing that she was wrong about. I only wanted two children; after Dak, we were done. I had originally decided to have my tubes tied during my c-section with Dak. But was told right before the operation that I was supposed to have signed a consent form 30 days before. I was upset, but we decided that my husband would undergo the knife (which he plans to do this summer when he’s off from school).

My friend, Em, said that it was a sign that I was destined to have another child. I shakily laughed it off, afraid she might be right. But, I’ve been double-protecting myself to prevent any unforeseen mishaps.

So my sister-in-law’s comment yesterday sort of freaked me out. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m late or anything. I don’t have any of the symptoms (although I do feel a little nauseous right now, but that could be from the two chocolate chip Pop-Tarts that I just ate … I know, that kind of behavior is not going to help me lose those last 9 pounds of baby fat).

But I’m freaked out nonetheless. I have about a week to know for sure. But I’m worried. I’m not ready to have another baby. Dak is just 6 months old! How could we afford three kids in daycare? How could we afford to have me stay home with them instead? How would I have time to devote to three of them, when I'm struggling with just two? I think I’ve had this discussion before … oh yeah, in Jo’s interview with me. What is the deal with this third baby thing all of a sudden?

So I’ll sit here, stewing in my anxiety until I know for sure. I know I can’t plan my life, but it’s just really not something I had considered. All of this is probably for nothing … I hope.