Friday, January 24, 2003

As I just mentioned, I'm so tired. I think it has something to do with the fact that my little girl has entered into this new developmental stage where all she wants to do is stand up. Which is fine when we're playing in the evening and she's excited that she can use the ottoman to pull her self up to stand in front of the TV. (Why do we have an ottoman in front of the TV? It's better than having her use the entertainment center as her support. At least the ottoman gives her about a foot away from the TV. The entertainment center offers no space, so she had started to pull herself up and just lean on the TV, staring at all the the beautiful colors. I just wouldn't forgive myself if she lost her sight, or had eyeballs that just rotated in their sockets at will.)

Anyway, standing up during the day is fine. Doing it when she's supposed to be sleeping at night is not. For the past 2 weeks, our former all-night sleeper has begun to fight sleep with a vengeance. But she's sneaky. During her prayers, she'll act like she's tired (rubbing her eyes and turning to her side with her blanket as if to say, "Leave me alone, I'm going to sleep." But as soon as we leave the room, we hear this rustling and grunting, and then pretty soon, all hell breaks loose has the cries of a very angry baby make their way into the living room. The scene we find when we go into her room is a little girl, standing at the crip rail, crying and looking down at the ground where her pacifier has fallen.

Several more repeats of this event and she finally goes to sleep. Only to wake up at midnight, and then again at 2-3 am doing the same thing. The books all say that each new phase they enter will cause them to stop sleeping through the night, so I know it's normal. But it's no consolation when the alarm rings in the morning that I haven't had a full night sleep.

I'll admit that I really haven't had a true night sleep since she was born. I think my ears have turned up the intensity so even the sound of her turning over at night causes me to awaken a little. But to have to actually get up to get her during the night brings me back to the early days when she had to eat every two hours. It's hard and makes me a little grouchy.

But I guess that's why God made babies so cute. Because just at the point when I really start getting frustrated, she'll give me the cutest grin, as if to say, "Let's play, mommy!" and I have to just laugh.

But I'm still so tired!

Thursday, January 23, 2003

I deleted yesterday's post because I just felt too guilty about it. I know it didn't say anything particularly mean about anyone, but it was just me venting, probably because I'm tired.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

I heard a quote about love today that I thought was pretty good. I'm hesistant to tell you where I heard it from because you might think less of me. It wasn't in some great book of poetry, or taken from a deep philosophical tome. OK, Ok, it was from a soap opera that I watch at lunch to take my mind of stressful work stuff. Judge if you want, but that hour of brain mush is just the ticket to rejuvenate me in the afternoon.

Anyway, the quote was, "I see myself through her eyes and I like what I see."

That phrase made me stop and think about my relationship with my husband and my daughter. If I saw myself through their eyes, what would I see?

I think to my daughter, I would be this gigantic figure that was always smiling, and hugging her close, making kissing sounds and talking in a high-pitched voice. And while that might be scary to some, to her I'm sure I represent someone who can kiss away pain when she falls down, make her laugh when she's grumpy and cause her eyes to light up when I enter a room. I'm safety and love and everything that goes along with being a mommy. Of course, at times I'm the mean one who won't let her chew on lamp cords or get into CDs or crawl over the edge of the bed. But thankfully, children have very short memories along with their attention spans, and pretty soon she goes from being mad to loving me again.

Then I think to my husband and what he must see when he looks at me. I think he really sees is this goofy person who loves to make him laugh. He sees someone who handles household responsibilities, from yelling at the cable company to ordering a pizza to folding laundry. And hopefully he sees someone who loves him dearly. But I'm afraid he also sees someone who isn't tolerant of other people (particularly those who are self-involved and always have to have high drama in their lives). I'm also afraid that he sees someone who may not always show him how much he means to her. Someone who doesn't have much of a life outside of her husband and child. Someone who is boring and dowdy and lazy.

Or is that how I see myself?

I have found that it becomes very easy for couples in a marraige to take the other for granted. You assume they'll always be there. That they know how you feel. That they'll always be happy with you. But what if that's not true? Don't we all need to be reminded of how attractive the other person is to you? How they enhance your life. How they make your day-to-day living greater than it ever was before. I'm afraid I don't always do that with him. I don't always ask how his day was. I don't always listen intently to his problems. I mean I try. But it becomes very easy to get caught up in my own daily issues that I forget to make the effort for him. Does this mean he doesn't know how I feel?

If you asked me what my hobbies are, I'd have to say reading and writing. But then I'd be hard-pressed to think of other things. I like to work out, although you couldn't tell by looking at me and my post-pregnancy pounds. I like to sew, but don't do it often. I like to dance, but we rarely make it out. I like to sing, but karaoke is only good every once in a while! I belong to a book club, but that only meets once a month. Is this normal for most people, or am I the only one who feels like she sits at home alone doing nothing most of the time. (By alone I mean that my daughter is asleep and it's just me. My husband has school three nights a week.) I just sometimes feel that I don't have much of a life. That I'm boring.

I know I work hard to keep the house clean, but I also enjoy relaxing on the couch and watching the latest shows on TV. I'm not completely anal about being clean, but neither am I a slob. I just feel like life is not always about work. My husband, based on his childhood watching his dad, feels like he always has to be moving, working on something. If I'm not like that, am I lazy?

It's amazing how I started this with a discussion about love and turned it into a self-depracating rant. Is this how my husband sees me?

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Can I tell you how addicted to reality TV I am? I literally have a new show each night that I watch. Some are barely tolerable, that I only give them a first or second try, (like Bachelorette), but some I happily give up the hour or two that they take from my evening life. Like Joe Millionaire. How brilliant is Fox to come up with a show that blatantly makes fun of money-hungry women only after some rich stud? The best part is making fun of the girls who think they have class, but come across as white trash girls completely out of their element

Then there are the fun ones like High School reunion. I was never a so much of one thing to be classified as the Jock or the flirt or the nerd. I was pretty much friends with people from every group, or those like me who had just a part of all of those groups. To take from "Breakfast Club," aren't we all just a little bit of a jock, a loner, a princess, a geek or a criminal?

And the Surreal Life gives us a glimpse into the life of "has-been" celebrities. So sad. Especially that Cory Feldman is still so bitter that he's not a big star anymore. MC Hammer put it in perspective that while he doesn't have the money now, at one time, he was pretty famous which is a lot more than most people have in their lifetime. Well said, Hammer! And while Celebrity Mole doesn't tout the "has-been" aspect of its contestants, what has Corbin Bernsen done lately? Or Steven Baldwin for that matter.

I'm still a die-hard Real World and Road Rules fan, even though the people get younger and younger (or am I getting older and older ... no that can't be!). And this season, they have the battle of the sexes that combines both past Real World and Road Rules contestants. It's amazing that Puck has not grown up, even though he's 34 years old. And the bitchiness and shallowness of 20-something women who obviously have never held a real job (what job would allow you to take time off to participate in these events), and have probably never wanted for anything, while frustrating, is very addicting.

Some of the different reality shows are TLC's Trading Spaces, While You Were Out, and the new one What Not To Wear. I'll gladly offer myself up as a fashion victim for $5,000 in new clothes! I'm seriously tempted to sign myself for these.

Of course my favorites are Survivor and Amazing Race. Survivor will be back on in a few weeks, so I'll have to start taping Friends (a show that while it's not reality, makes you wish you were a part of it) and CSI, one of my favorite non-reality shows, along with 24 and Ed. (I guess I'm addicted to TV, not just reality shows. How sad is my life?)

Anyway, tonight is the one reality TV show that I'll only watch once: American Idol. The best part is watching the initial candidates (especially those who have no talent). I know I can carry a tune, but I don't think I could sing well enough to be on that show. Do those that they've shown on the commercials so far really think they can sing, or were they just doing it as a joke to be on TV? I'm afraid to think that they really believed they could sing. Are they deaf? Either that, or they hang around some people who, while kind enough to boost their ego, didn't do them any favors. Especially considering the wrath of Simon.

Wow, I can't believe I sat and ranted for a whole blog about reality TV. I guess it was on my mind today after a suspenseful Joe Millionaire last night (Oh, did I say drove a bulldozer 3 weeks ago? Oh, I meant 2 years ago), and the anticipation of some gut-wrenching singing tonight. I can't wait!

Monday, January 20, 2003

I’m not what you would call a sports fanatic. I don’t paint my face or don the latest team paraphernalia before the “big game.” I’d rather watch a re-run of Friends than Monday Night Football or the Lakers against whatever team they’re up against each night. (By the way, it’s still very strange to me, coming from the East Coast, that sporting games are on so early here on the West Coast).

Despite all that, I have to say that I’m pretty excited about the upcoming Super Bowl. But it could lead to some trouble in my household. See, I come from Tampa (or I should say that I’ve lived there the longest time of all my travels -- about 12 years), and I love the Bucs. I have been a fan since they were in their original, if not ugly, orange and white uniforms. I bet on them in every football pool, knowing that it was a guaranteed loss of money for me.

And now they’re in the Super Bowl! I knew the uniform changes to a much more flattering red and gray would do the trick. Some may say it’s the killer defense, the new coach Gruden, or the smack-talking Warren Sapp. I’ll give you that. No matter – they’re in the Super Bowl!

The problem is my husband is a die-hard Raiders fan. He has countless Raiders shirts, sweatshirts, T-shirt, jerseys, caps, stocking caps, etc. And while he doesn’t paint his face, he does conduct a rather scary “pumping up” session before each game, which consists of him stomping around the house, flexing his arms in front of him and emitting a sort of growling, yelling noise. For some reason, it doesn’t phase our 9-month old daughter, but it’s pretty annoying.

So yesterday, after the championship games, I mentioned my excitement about the Bucs. Now I really won’t mind if the Raiders win because they’ve sort of become my team since I moved here 3 ½ years ago. But deep down, well, I guess publicly too, I’m rooting for the Bucs. My husband, upon hearing me say that said, “So do you want me to divorce you? Is that what you want?”

Of course not. But I will be wearing my Bucs sweatshirt next Sunday. I may even have to buy our daughter a Bucs sweatshirt to go with her Raiders sweatpants. That may be contributing to a schizophrenic personality later, but I think she’d like to support both of her parents … at least for now!

So this week will be pretty interesting. I’m sure my husband and I will enjoy some “good-natured” banter about each team. We are officially a house divided. I’ll be interested to see what my blog for next Monday will look like!